One Month Down

So this is what January's exercise looked like. Not bad! 21 days of exercise, and I'm down 7 lbs. I was sick in the middle of the month, and that derailed my exercise streak. I still could have and should have been walking on the treadmill, but I didn't. Next month will be better and/or more consistent.
In my exercise group (on FB), I'm pledging 20 workouts for the month of February. That is the same number I pledged this month, but there are 3 few days to accomplish it. I think it will still be very doable. In my Fit for Good group, we've started a 21-days-in-a-row exercise challenge, and today's only Day 3, so the first 17 days of February are taken care of! I'm sure I can fit 3 more in between the 17th and the 28th! Thank goodness for overlapping challenges, huh?
I am still weighing myself every day, but I've shifted my goals from weight loss (which I still desire very much) to exercise, sleep, water intake, and good eating. I've decided that I don't want to measure my progress in terms of something that can disappear. "Down 2 pounds - hooray!" "Up 2 pounds - boooo!" No thanks. I prefer looking at my calendar and seeing 21 days of exercise and knowing no future days without exercise can negate that accomplishment.
And look what else I get:

My muscle definition is returning! Wahoo! This makes me very happy! I'm hoping soon I can take a picture of my whole body of which I am equally proud!

Documenting It

So today is the 15th day of the new year. For fifteen days I have been dieting and exercising, on a mission to lose 25 lbs. Fifteen days, for me, is a very. long. time!  Given the success I've seen, not just on the scale, but mentally, I thought it would be wise to write down exactly what I'm doing so I can acknowledge what is working and see why it is. There's a lot, so bear with me.  Here goes:

• I have a designated "workout calendar" in my basement (where all my exercise stuff is). Each day that I exercise, I write down my weight that day, what time I start (and what time I finish), what exercises I do, and then give myself a sticker for the day! (Only 1 day missed so far this month!)
  
  
  
• I log my food and exercise on My Fitness Pal. If you want to friend me there, I'm tnt0617, and you'll be able to see what I'm eating and what I'm doing for exercise. Logging my food has helped me, on several occasions, keep a few bad choices from turning into a slippery slope of horrible choices.
• I don't take my phone or laptop to bed. (This was a new year's resolution, actually.) This helps me go to sleep earlier because I'm not distracted by FB posts or comments, and I'm not tempted to google *that thing* I just thought of before turning out the lights.
• I set my alarm for 5:15am. Some mornings I wake up early, some mornings I don't. But not having my phone is incentive to get out of bed because then I (a facebook addict) can go downstairs and check my notifications. I can easily walk and facebook at the same time, and once I'm going, it's easier to get into a real workout. And working out first thing in the morning is really the BEST time to work out. I don't have the kids bugging me and it gets it over & done with before the rest of the day gets a hold on me.
• I have cut out/limited gluten and dairy. I've been more strict with the gluten than the dairy, and if I had a serious food allergy, I'd have to be even more strict than I have been, BUT for the most part, I've avoided both. This is how I've avoided 99% of the junk food pitfalls that normally get me.
• I joined Dr. Lou's Weight Loss Challenge in Portland. This year it included a "bioelectrical impedance analysis". I don't have too much to say about it yet, but basically, it looks like a bunch of info that tells you more than just the number on the scale  I'm going to a class tonight which will dissect the info for us, so stay tuned. Knowledge is power, folks. :)
• I started a Facebook group called "Skinny in 2013" for myself a few like-minded ladies who want to make this the year we lose our extra weight. "'Healthy' is nice, but 'skinny' is really what we want." (Not that any of us will sacrifice health to lose weight, but a healthy lifestyle doesn't particularly motivate any of us. We want to look good in our jeans!)
• I rejoined a facebook group belonging to my fitness expert friend Laurel. Each month, members post their goal number of workouts planned. Then, through the days, each member posts their workouts and what number they're up to - trying to meet or exceed the monthly goal they've set for themselves.
• I joined another facebook group that, so far, hasn't been particularly helpful, but it's another element of encouragement/motivation. It's a group started by Toni Anderson, and she is the reason for my interest. Talk about motivating, look at this!!
  
  
  (And she has 7 kids!)
• I weigh myself every day. First thing in the morning, I get out of bed, go potty, and hop on the scale. I record my weight on a chart I taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet. It has a space for every day this year. I did that so I wouldn't have a specific goal date looming in front of me. Some people are motivated by having a specific goal date. Not me. It's like driving near a cliff and watching the cliff and then driving off the cliff. But weighing every day does help me stay on track. I'm aware that the body's weight can fluctuate up and down for various unknown reasons, but I'm also aware that if I have 4 margaritas, I won't be able to hide them from the scale for long. I depend on the scale's daily feedback to keep me on task.
• I joined an email group of women who are preparing to run the Beach to Beacon 10K this year. I ran the race for the first time last year. I had not properly trained for it, and though I was able to run the entire distance (1:06:43, thankyouverymuch!), I felt like dying the rest of that day, complete with flu-like symptoms.  I would like my body to be more prepared for it this year - - and I'd like to complete it in less than an hour.  So, in the email group, each Sunday, we email everyone what our workouts were for the previous week. It's a place for encouragement or questions or whatever, but mostly, it's just another level of accountability.
• I made myself 2 big pots of soup and a big pot of chili, dished them out into single-serve dishes, and froze half of them. The other half I put in the fridge so I have them to grab for a quick meal. Having healthy food at-the-ready is KEY for me!  Here are links to the recipes: (1) PT Motivation Booster Soup, (2) Bean & Kale Soup, and (3) Sweet Potato Chili.
• For exercises, I've started the couch-to-5k program again (I've done it several times, but I think I've only completed it once before!). I do that on Mon/Wed/Fri.  On Sun/Tue/Thu, I do a session of JJ Virgin's 4x4 workouts. I bought her dvd's, so I have 8different workouts to choose from. I use Saturday as either a makeup day (if I'm off a day in the week) or do the elliptical or some wii fit games or whatever. I also throw in a mile walk just about every day (because I can do it while cruising facebook!)  I've started adding inclines to the treadmill setting and either wearing ankle weights or carrying hand weights to add extra resistance.
• I've watched all of these videos. Honestly, anything that comes from PEERtrainer and/or JJ Virgin is solid gold. Listen to what they say. It's all such great info!!
• Speaking of solid gold, I watched this video last week. It really hit home for me. If you want to reach your goals, do it! Don't convince yourself you're "fine" not achieving them! Take this advice from Mel Robbins!

Hmmm. I guess that's all of it. As I suspected, there is a LOT here. No wonder my housework is suffering. It is a full-time job staying on top of this stuff.  But for the first time in a long time, I'm doing it.  I'm taking making the time to exercise and focus on my goals. And it's working. Since January 1st, I have lost 6 lbs. I still have 19 to go to reach my goal, but I'm confident I'll reach it THIS YEAR!!
I'm not sharing this info to brag - I wouldn't set myself up for imminent failure like that! - but to help anyone who may be struggling.  Trust me... if I had my act together, I wouldn't need all these tips, tricks, and tools to keep me going. We're all in this mess together! If any of these ideas sound like they may help you, please feel free to copy me! Helping others motivates me!

Martha, Mary, and Me ... (Me, Myself, and I...?)

For Lent this year, I'm saying a rosary each day for one (or more) of my friends, and keeping them in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day. I'm really loving it! I feel like, for the first time in several years, I'm actually doing something for Lent. And I could/should talk more about that, but that's not what prompted me to post today.

The issue I've been having is that in order to get my rosary in each day, sometimes I need to multi-task and do something else at the same time. Not something that requires any mental work, but some mindless physical stuff. Washing dishes, folding laundry, using the treadmill, etc. But rather than being pleased that I'm saying the rosary, I've been feeling guilty that I can't sit still (or kneel!) and just. pray.

I've had a lifelong interest in/struggle with the whole Martha/Mary scenario. I've always been a Martha and always felt that I should be more of a Mary. I can be contemplative, I can sit still, I can pray. But shit needs to get done, and someone needs to do it. A lot of the time, that someone is me.

Recently - within the last year - it dawned on me that Martha became a saint, too. Ah ha!!! I started feeling better about being so busy; about being so "anxious and troubled about many things" (Luke 10:41). Ok, so it is better to be sitting at the feet of Jesus, prayerfully conversing with him, turning our minds to higher matters. But Martha became a saint, too! I thought: she must have done something right! Right??

Well, tonight I had a new revelation. Jesus told Martha that Mary had chosen the better portion and it wouldn't be taken from her. He did not, however, tell Martha to be another Mary. And I think this is how Martha became a saint. She did what she was supposed to do. She stopped worrying about what Mary was or wasn't doing; she stopped looking outward to see how other people were serving our Lord. As I'm fond of bringing up: she kept her eyes on her own work.

God calls us to know, love, and serve Him, but only as each of us can serve Him.

¹⁴ For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be?
~ 1 Corinthians 12:14-19

So, I've decided I don't need to become Mary. Or Martha. I need to be me. I need to become the best possible version of me. I need to be who God made me to be. When I'm required to behave as Mary did, I should do that. When I'm required to behave as Martha did, I should do that. But I'm going to have to do everything as me, because that's who God chose for the job.

And to realize I'm already fully qualified is quite a relief.

Feeling Like the Titanic - in More Ways than One.

I need a makeover. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. I am a wreck. And because I’m so far from where I want to be in all of those areas, when I think about all I want to change, I get overwhelmed. I start to feel like I’m drowning, and with every attempt to get my head above water, I push myself further and further beneath the surface. Glub. Glub. Glub. Glub.

Spiritually.

I am a Catholic. I was raised Catholic. I’ve never not been Catholic. I went through my phases in college and young-adulthood where I certainly wasn’t living a very Catholic lifestyle - but I always felt very bad about it. I never considered not being Catholic. I like being Catholic. So it would stand to reason that I am happiest when I’m being a good Catholic. Now, of course, this could mean lots of things to lots of people – even within circles of “good Catholics.” To me, it means not only fulfilling the bare minimum obligations of going to church on Sundays and holy days, going to confession once a year, receiving communion, etc. Those things are a given. For me, what I aspire to is a more meaningful prayer life (read: a prayer life, period.) I want to take what I have learned from the Gospel and the lives of the saints and implement those things in my own life. I want to lead a life that, even if I were on hidden camera, anyone watching would know I was a Catholic and I could be proud of my behavior. This is not, um, currently the case.

Glub.

Physically.

I’ve been at the same weight, within 5 lbs., for about 2 years. My mother congratulates me on this. “Wow! You’re so good at maintaining your weight!” Sigh. Yes. I suppose I am. The problem is, this is not the weight I want to maintain. I want to get down another 10-15 lbs. and then maintain that weight. The problem isn’t a lack of knowledge, or lack of a plan, or trying so hard and nothing working. The problem is me. I am the self-sabotage master! I am a pro at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I will lose a pound and then hope I'll somehow continue to coast downward while I scarf down several handfuls of spicy almonds, and chocolate cake, and ice cream. I end up feeling like a blubbery, roly-poly, jiggly marshmallow. Boooo.

Glub.

Emotionally.

Sucking at so much takes a toll on a person. It gets inside your head that you suck, and then you can’t hear anything else. Every kid’s whine, every dirty dish, every dusty surface, every lame text message adds its voice to the one in your head. It’s a chorus of “yoooooouuuuuu suuuuuuccccckkkkk.” And repeatedly hearing that you suck might possibly, if you're someone like me, make you cry. Cry, cry, cry. Last night, I thought I lost my ipod. Even worse, I thought it was stolen by the 2-year-old, which pretty much meant I would never see it again. I spent a good half hour - after everyone had gone to bed and after I should have been in bed - searching and bawling, bawling and searching. I wasn't crying JUST about the ipod, of course, but it certainly set things in motion.

Glub.

Mentally.
I can't think straight lately. I'm easily distracted. I miss the point of jokes and cause trouble when I say "what?" too many times. I'm listening, I just don't get what people are saying!! I tried calculating the difference in race times the other day and got it wrong. A very simple problem, and I didn't even catch the mistake until several days later. I used to be a math whiz, of sorts. I got a 730 on my math SAT's (a few <ahem> years ago). And now I can't subtract??  I even misplace things - like ipods.*
Glub.

I'm at a point where I feel like Frances at a certain part in Under the Tuscan Sun. I tried to edit down this video, but couldn't. The part I'm talking about is from 6:52-7:55. (But I do recommend the whole movie. It's one of my favorites!)

"You're sad! Again! You're like a big black hole!"

Yes, that's me. A big black hole of misery. I'm feeling hopeless and crappy and crappy and hopeless. And bitchy.

Sigh.  I attribute a lot of these feelings to PMS, but I hate to say "PMS" because I don’t think most people take it seriously. I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the world sees PMS the way it’s caricatured in sitcoms. “Yeah, yeah, yeah – it must be her time of the month. What a bitch!” But for me, and surely others(?), it’s a very real internal warzone that wreaks havoc on every aspect of my life. It’s not as simple as being in a bad mood. I feel like a completely different person who can’t get out of my own way, and I can’t sidestep the nastiness no matter how hard I try. (Please tell me I am NOT alone in this!!)

Remember in the movie E.T., how the flower - what was that? a marigold? - was somehow directly connected to E.T.'s well-being? When he was dying, the flower was dying; when he was coming back to life, the flower perked right up, and that's how Eliot knew he was going to be ok. Well, if you would like to know the state of my well-being - emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, whatever - take a look at the state of my house. If it's a mess, I'm probably a mess, too. If it's neat and tidy, then chances are I'm probably in pretty good shape, too. And I'm not sure which begets which, but it's probably a chicken-or-egg scenario. It doesn't really matter which comes first, though. Messy house = messy life. And right now, my house looks like someone turned it on its side, then upside-down, then right-side-up again.  Everything is kinda in the right place, but none of it's good.  It, like me, is a wreck.

So, if I can't fix me, I'll fix my house. I'll focus on these external things and hope to be miraculously internally transformed. I'll doing laundry. I'll sweep the kitchen. I'll clean the playroom. It will keep me busy and, more importantly, it will restore some of my sanity. And sanity is a good place to start.

*After finally giving up and going to bed, I found my ipod in my nightstand drawer - just where I had left it the night before.  Glub.

Much To-Do About Nothing

Whoooooops! I guess I forgot about this blog for a few days. So much for the 30-day challenge. But it's all good. I don't think I've disappointed too many readers (LOL!!) and I'm here now, so...

Today I want to talk about...[<pause> decide what you want to write about and then continue like it was your plan all along.]... Daily To-Do's! Ah yes, that's what I want to talk about!

I have been struggling with this for days, weeks, months - maybe even years. For me, it's not enough that things get done. It's not enough that they get done when they get done as long as they get done. No. I need things on a schedule so I know they'll get done *when* they're supposed to get done. They'll be done by the correct person at the correct time. My house will run like a well-oiled machine because every chore is clearly outlined on a calendar from now until the end of time!

<sigh.> Only in my dreams. And ok - that sounds a little crazy now that I type it out in black and white. But I do like things ordered. I do like things neat & tidy - - not just my house, but the manner in which I run my house. And it's not because I'm a control freak. Or, I should say, it's not just because I'm a control freak. It is also because I, like most people, don't enjoy chores and cleaning, and the more "automated" those kinds of tasks become, the less time they take to do, the less of a big deal they are, and the faster you can get on with life. And by life, I mean all the stuff we WANT to do!

But here's the problem. Every time I come up with a system, part of it works and part of it doesn't. So I keep readjusting and reformulating and redesigning, and we end up with NO PLAN AT ALL. If I were my kids, I'd get pretty frustrated that I couldn't just pick something and stick with it. But they're young and they'd get in trouble if they told me that, so I'm safe for another year or two.

My latest plan involves a large magnetic white board. Ideally, this is what will be on it for each new day:

• the day of the week
• the date
• the day's forecasted weather (so the kids know what to wear)
• the day's planned dinner (so I'm forced to think about it before 4:59pm)
• each person's chores/plans for the day
• any additional notes about that day (birthday party, playdate, holiday, etc.)

It will be a nice little (ok, not-so-little) hub of information for the whole family. Some things (the weather, dinner) will just be for reference. Others (everyone's chores) will be for checking off. The kids will know what they need to do (without being nagged by Mama). I will have good reminders for the stuff I want to get done. I really think things will run more smoothly around here. Or, at least I will feel like they are running more smoothly - - and that's what it's really all about! How Mama feels!

I'll try to check back when I get everything in place and let you all know how it's working. Or how it's not working - and how I plan to fix it.

Just Showing Up, Folks.

I'm in such a foul mood today.  It's one of those days where I want to disconnect from all social networking, cancel all communication with the outside world, and move to a cave in the mountains (in a warm climate where there are no dangerous animals, of course).

I've wasted my whole damn day making invitations for my son's birthday party, taking waaaaay longer than I needed to, and they still came out relatively lame.
I haven't exercised.  I haven't prayed.  I'm living like a person who's depressed.  Am I depressed?  Maybe.  But to admit that is to admit that I'm being selfish because I always think selfishness is at the root of depression.
So, am I being selfish?  Oh, most likely.  Man.  I hate it when I figure out stuff I don't want to know.
Suck it up, chick.  Get movin'!

Prayer, Exercise, and Self-Improvement

I was not nice this morning.  My 10-yr-old daughter was leaving for school and I asked if she had her snowpants with her.  She didn't.  We had a quick conversation about why - none of it was very important - but I ended up saying something snide intended to make her feel guilty.  Why did I do that??  Completely unnecessary, unhelpful, and just not nice.
We had a few more words before she left - - I was trying to lighten the mood without actually apologizing for being a jerk (again, not very nice) - - we said our "I love you's" and she went out the door.
"What kind of crappy mother had I become?" I immediately asked myself.  Seriously, I'm constantly wondering - usually out loud - where my kids get their bad attitudes, and I don't need to wonder.  I have a bad attitude.
I pictured Mary talking to 10-yr-old Jesus and was sure the conversation would have gone a little differently.  (Ok - it's a little comical to imagine - but this really is how my brain works.)  Suddenly, I felt like such a slimy troll.

"Here you are given these beautiful children to love and take care of and you treat them like such an annoying inconvenience!"  (That's me talking to myself.  Mary would, again, probably have nicer words to say.)
So I decided I needed to start praying; praying merely to be a nicer, gentler mommy.  I decided that I will say one whole rosary a day asking for assistance with this.
Not long after I made this decision, I received a Facebook invitation asking to join others in an 18-day rosary novena praying to overturn the recent HHS mandate.  So I decided to piggy-back the two.  A rosary for "nicer Mama" will double as a rosary for overturning the mandate.  That's two birds with one stone!
And guess what? I have all the rosaries on my ipod.  I decided to kill three birds with one stone.  I plugged my ipod into my treadmill and added exercise to the mix!  Walking & running and praying - excellent cardio!  Good for the heart and soul.

They have the Couch-to-5k running program.  I highly recommend C25K to anyone who, like me, is NOT a runner.  It gets you running a 5K by the end, and it pushes you just enough outside of your comfort zone each week to show you what amazing things you can do.  I'm going to create the C25D (couch to 5 decade) running program.  Start out by running only during the Our Fathers and by the end, you're running for the entire rosary!  Ha-ha! I'm joking. Kind of.